


dreaming with a broken heart

by charmantlouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drifting away, Fluff and Angst, M/M, this is my first fic I'm so sorry if it sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-24 03:05:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1589360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmantlouis/pseuds/charmantlouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LouisandHarry loved each other more than anyone ever imagined.</p><p> but that doesn't mean they can't drift away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dreaming with a broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a song fic,seeing as how I based it from John Mayer's "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" (which probably seems obvious from the title) but anyway this is my first angst and Larry fic (!!) ever so I hope this isn't as bad as I think it could've been.

 

 

_"when you're dreaming with a broken heart,_   
_the waking up is the hardest part,"_

  
 February 21,2017  
 3:51 PM

 

Harry groaned as he sat up on his bed,groggy and disoriented. Raking his messy curls aside with one hand,— _"I've always loved your curls. They make you_  
 _look more **you** ,y'know?",Louis would say as he cupped his face and ki—_

Harry shut his eyes tightly,in hopes that something would hurt,something else beside his already broken heart. Tears slipped through his eyelashes,but  
he hurriedly tried to wipe them away.

 _"I'm miserable."_ ,he thinks and deep down inside of him,even he knows it's an understatement.  
  
It's been 2 years since their tour ended,and a lot can happen in two years.

During the tour,the boys were alright. They were having fun,living life,and he couldn't be happier. HarryandLouis were still a thing,and that's all that  
mattered.  


* * *

  
  
_"and for a moment you can hardly breathe,"_

  
But even the most wonderful experience in the world will eventually end up being a memory,like a fleeting bird leaving behind nothing but a single  
feather.

There were no yelling,no arguments,no tears to be shed. Maybe,except his. Harry wishes there were screaming,though. He wishes he felt that burning  
feeling in his throat after all the shouting he **_should've_** had with Louis,but he didn't. No urgent kisses,no needy hands on his waist,no empty whispers  
of "I love you's" as he dug his fingernails onto Louis' back for dear life.

And that's when he realized,that even a love as great as theirs is as fragile as glass. It may be strong,but it can also break. And sometimes,it just  
fades away.  


* * *

  
  
_"when you're dreaming with a broken heart,_   
_the giving up is the hardest part,"_

  
"I think it's best if we break up." _Eight words. That's all it took. Years and years of love and caution,it was just **gone**._

Louis looked at him, _really looked at him for the first time in months_ ,and Harry knew that it was all over.

"—really think that this just isn't working anymore and," _Numb. That's all he could feel. He knows he should feel anger. Confusion. Heartache. But for_  
 _some reason,he just...doesn't_. He just sat still,in the sofa where they used to kiss and cuddle. _He knows it should hurt. It should hurt a shit_  
 _ton,really._

"I-it's not that you're boring,don't get me wrong! Haz,it's just that—",Louis rambled on but Harry just needed to have a word in,before it would be all  
over.

"—just that you don't love me the same and that _it's just not the same anymore._ ",and he felt a small surge of pride at how his voice didn't waver but it  
was immediately washed over with a sad ache in his heart that he couldn't seem to place.

A moment of silence passed over them,and while that silence used to be comfortable and serene during a time when HarryandLouis were still in love and  
together,now it's just a reminder that things have changed.

"Oh Haz,where did we go wrong?",Louis murmured as he sat down the sofa and looked at the boy he used to love. A wave of hurt spread all over him,but  
he doesn't end up taking back the words he uttered.

"Maybe we never went wrong,Louis." And Louis had to admit that the way Harry seemed to be quickly adjusting hit him like a freight train gone off track.

_He was never 'Louis'. He was always 'Lou' or 'babe' and every cheesy endearment there is in the dictionary. Not even during arguments did Harry call him_   
_by his first name,not even once. And it's small things like those that hurt most._

After watching Louis freeze up with the unexpected change,Harry let out a shaky sigh and continued, "We just drifted apart. It happens. We never did  
anything wrong,and maybe that's why we ended up here."

"But we're _HarryandLouis_. We don't just **_drift apart_**.",Louis said exasperatedly as he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Harry used to laugh  
at him and take those tiny hands into his and pepper kisses onto them until he could calm down. It always worked.

"Louis,look at me.",Harry said with a small lump growing in his throat,threatening to let the unsaid words rise up like bile. He held back. _No use trying_  
 _to salvage something that's already gone._

Harry cupped his face in both hands,maybe for the last time,and Louis couldn't help but look up at him with glossy eyes as he said,

"You'll be okay. You're Louis Tomlinson,for Pete's sake!" Shaky and broken sobs were the only reply as Louis wiped his eyes and Harry just stared at his  
damp cheeks,the same ones he used to wipe before holding him tightly in his arms until the sobs subsided.

"But I love you,",was all he replied with a voice small and feeble like a little child's as he hoped to the heavens that those three words would still  
be good enough.

"And I,you." And that was all he could offer. _HarryandLouis was just Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson,and that was it._

  
\--

  
"So you two have broken up? Just like that?",Liam asked as he found the two staring into nothing.

"Nah,they're just messin' with us,right Louis?",Niall laughed out but all he received in reply was a simple shake of the head.

"Niall,it's okay. We're still One Direction,we'll always be best mates.",Louis said as he looked at Harry with a hesitant smile but then Niall suddenly  
let out a small wail of things he couldn't put into words and sat down with them.

**"Really?"**

"Of course.",Harry smiled out at Louis and they both managed to plaster a grin for the people that mattered most,even if they were hanging by a thread.

"Do you really want this? Both of you?",Zayn asked quietly as he looked at both of them with observant eyes.

Words threatened to spill from Louis' lips,while Harry's throat felt like a lump was lodged in his throat but they smiled and both managed a nod while  
Zayn simply pursed his lips and joined them as they all wondered how long everything was going to last.

  
\--

  
Which apparently took one unreleased album.

  
Months passed,and even Niall could sense that things just didn't change for the two of them but for the band as well. What used to be lingering touches  
and secret smiles became cold shoulders and averting eyes.  
  
Harry was never around,Louis never made a move to make him stay. The others were torn between chasing and comforting but they all knew that it wouldn't solve the problem and make it disappear.

When Liam decided that breaking up the band would be what's best,Harry felt a strong surge of deja-vu and chuckled bitterly to himself.

"We'll always be One Direction.",Liam grinned out,tears leaking from his uplifted cheeks. Everyone enveloped him in a tight hug,and that's all it took.

 _One hug._  
  
Harry cried over the band,over the laughs and moments of sadness,and he cried over Louis and every goddamn kiss they shared,every smile they exchanged,  
every "I love you's" said,and he cried the most over a love that he thought would last forever but ended up fading away.

 _"I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,"_ ,he choked out between sobs as Zayn took over and held him in his arms while Liam and Niall whispered words of  
positivity and unnecessary forgiveness when all Louis could do was stand and stare.

_He was a selfish bastard and he knew it._

Harry needed him as much as he needed Harry,but all he thought of was himself.

"I'm sorry,Haz. Fuck,I'm so sorry.",he blurted out and Harry looked at him with those teary moss green eyes and all that's going through in Louis' mind  
is _"I want to fall back in love with you,I'm so sorry"._

"We'll give you two a moment.",Zayn said quietly as he and Liam dragged Niall with them on their way out.

"What're you sorry for?",Harry asked as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. _"You're still beautiful to me.",Louis thinks._

"I want to fall back in love with you,Haz. I want to,so _**so**_ bad. I want to be the first thing you wake up to during Saturday mornings,I want to be  
the one you make tea for while you're waiting for the toast to pop out of the toaster,I want to be the one you pepper kisses onto when you just feel  
like it,I want to be the first person you kiss and the last person every single day,I want to be the one to snuggle into your chest while you make  
us watch cheesy romantic movies,I want to be the one you love and trust the most,Harry.I want every single aspect of you,and you as a whole because  
without you,I'm incomplete. Without you,how can I be me? ",Louis croaked out weakly as his legs struggled to stand.

"I want that too,I-I just don't know how. Lou,I want to be in love with you again, _ **I really do**_.",Harry spoke with that deep and raspy voice he used on  
Louis during Sunday mornings when they could cuddle in bed and leave a trail of kisses down each other's necks before one of the boys would  
end their morning bliss and make them get out of bed.

"I just feel that what we had is worth fighting for." And something inside Harry just snapped. His heart and mind were fighting for too long,but his  
mind had been the one that won.

"Then why didn't you fight for it before you doomed it,Louis?! Why didn't you do something when we were still HarryandLouis instead of this wreck we  
are now? You say you loved me,but you never fought for me,Lou. I just wanted you to fight for me. Fight for _us_. Fight for what we could've had.",  
Harry shouted out and although every word felt like a dagger being stabbed into his heart,he knew he owed Harry this much.

"I waited. I didn't do anything because I always thought that you'd look at me like how you looked at me when it was just the two of us in the bunk  
bed at the X Factor house and everyone was sleeping so you snuck in and snuggled with me and you randomly decided to tell me that right in that  
very moment,that you might've been in love with me. I needed you,and you decided cut me off. _I loved you,and you broke up with me like I wasn't_  
 _even worth loving anymore._ ",he continued as his voice faltered at the end and his sobs started again.

All Louis could do was wrap Harry in his arms and hug him close to his chest,as one final proof that his heart was still beating for him,even if he  
had forgotten it himself.

"I loved you,Harry.",was all he could say as Harry's sobs ripped a part of his soul with every heaving breath.

_"Once upon a time."_

And Harry cried and cried until he fell asleep in Louis' arms,and the two laid there like kindred souls put to rest.  


* * *

  
  
_"could you stay,my love?_   
_will you wake up by my side?"_

  
As Louis held Harry,he realized that some things can be mended with time,but it doesn't mean that everything will instantly be fine again.

  
\--

  
8 months had passed,and their lives have gone down different paths.

Zayn had moved in with Perrie,Niall went back to Mullingar and helped his brother take care of his nephew,and Liam just enjoyed life as it was.

Louis had focused on soccer,and Harry had been hired to model here and there,but nothing concrete.

Harry's never been a drinker. He could take shots and drink beer,but he wasn't keen on it so he would usually only have a taste.

So it's a surprise when he meets Liam in a pub on the other side of London.

"Harry?" He clenched his jaw and managed to put on a grin. He hoped no one would ever see him like this,let alone one of the people he cared for most.

"Liam,hi." His voice sounded monotone,and it scared Harry a little as he realized that the voice was coming from him.

"Downing a pint of beer before lunch? Surely Mondays can't be that bad for you.",Liam joked out in an attempt to smuggle a laugh or at least a small  
smile from him but all he got was a scoff. Maybe it was a silent laugh,but Liam couldn't tell anymore.

Silence passed onto them as Harry avoided his stare,simply staring at the drops of water condensing onto the pint glass. _"It tastes bitter.",he thinks._  
Or maybe it's just him. Harry couldn't tell anymore.

"Louis' back in Doncaster.",was all it took to make Harry's head snap up and look at Liam with a perplexed expression that turned to hurt and  
feigned nonchalance as quick as a heartbeat.

"Oh. Then I'm sure he's very happy with Eleanor." He tried injecting enthusiasm into every syllable but it came out in a gravelly whisper and he  
instantly hates himself for sounding so weak.

"What? Louis and Eleanor broke up a week after the band did. I...I thought you knew.",and with every word Liam says he feels like he's being punched  
in the gut.

"What?" was all he could think of as his thoughts were just jumbled,like puzzle pieces that don't match.

"He's a wreck,Harry."

 _"Oh."_ And like what happened all those months ago,he couldn't breathe and he was drowning and he needed to forget. He needed to forget that shade of blue _**his**_ eyes are and he decides that he needs to finish his drink.

"Yeah. It looks like he isn't the only one,though.",Liam said softly before Harry downed the pint.

"Why don't you just say what's on your mind,Li? It'll save us a lot more time.",Harry muttered as he put money onto the bar and looked at him with  
stoic eyes.

"I think you should go to Doncaster,Harry. It might be good for you."

"Can't." And he really couldn't. He wouldn't know how to react or what to say when he's faced with the pair of stunning blue eyes than made his  
heart clench and hurt even more.

Louis' eyes reminded him of the ocean and as he thought about it even more,they have a resemblance. He is so beautiful,but so unpredictable. Harry spent  
too much time admiring the beauty that he became oblivious to the fact that he was already swirling inside a hurricane,and once all the hurricane  
died out,he was left barely breathing at the seaside.

"Harry,maybe it'll do you some go—" Liam was always sensible,but sometimes the heart refuses to comprehend logic and reason.

"I'll think about it.",Harry said with a clipped tone and all Liam could do was sigh and pat his old friend on the shoulder goodbye.

And suddenly,drinking was out of Harry's agenda. The internal conflict between his head and heart was all he seemed to care about as it went on for  
days and days and days and he was back into the same position he was after they broke up.

He finally makes up his mind on a Sunday morning,in the haze of thick blankets and crappy reality shows.

_"If he couldn't fight for us,then I will."_

He was on a train to Doncaster 25 minutes later.

  
\--

  
"You looking for something for a missus,perhaps?",a cheerful voice chirped as Harry walked into the quaint little flower shop.

"Something like that.",he muttered as he tried shutting out the memories from years back.

  
                                                                    ˖*˖  
  
  
 _"Red roses look so awful.",Harry groaned as Louis laughed while playfully handing him a bouquet._

_"Is that your subtle way of rejecting me,Styles? I'm heartbroken!",he wailed out as he put a hand on his head dramatically._

_"It's not that, **Lewis**.",Harry said with a roll of his eyes before shaking his head fondly at Louis,who just grimaced at him and stuck his tongue out._

_"I'm not Lewis. It's Louis. God Harry,have some class.",he uttered with mock disgust before tilting his head at Harry like a lost and curious puppy._  
(Harry thinks it's adorable,but there's no way in hell he'll ever tell that to Louis.)

 _"I happen to **love** red roses. Why don't you like them anyway,Haz?" Harry doesn't blush at the nickname. He doesn't. _ (Louis catches Harry smiling to  
himself,but he doesn't say anything because he's biting the insides of his cheeks trying to stop himself from doing the same.)

_"They're just so mainstream,and—"_

_"Oh,I'm sorry. Red roses are probably against your hipster beliefs or something like that."_

_" **Louis."**_

_"You were saying?",Louis asked as he stared at Harry with innocent doe-eyes that takes the green-eyed boy aback for a minute as he stutters and tries_  
 _to get his thoughts together._ "You're adorable.",Louis thinks as he smiles at the blushing 18-year-old.

_"I-I-I was saying t-that I don't like red roses because they're just so mainstream,and it's just meaningless now. During Valentines' day,what do you_   
_normally see? Red roses and chocolates. It's just so cliche,and don't get me wrong,I'm all up for cliche and cheesy things...but why not buy_   
_something else more sentimental? Like sunflowers,because the person you're giving to is the sun in your life. Or maybe daisies,because it's her_   
_favorite. I just think that when you're giving something to the person you fancy,it shouldn't be expensive or shiny but something full of meaning_   
_for the both of you.",he rambles and Louis can't resist his impulse anymore._

_"You wanna know why red roses are my favorite?",he asks quietly as he walks toward Harry with each syllable that escapes his lips._

_Harry gulped and bit his lip before looking at Louis' own and asks, **"Why?"**_

_Louis flashes him a sultry smile before lowering his lips onto Harry's ear and his hot breath immediately sends shivers down Harry's spine,_

_"They're the color of your lips when I snog you senseless."_

_Harry splutters and blushes and gently shoves Louis aside and all he could come up with was, "And you say **I'm** cheesy."_

_Louis' grin doesn't falter for the rest of the day._  
  
  
                                                                                          ˖*˖

"I'll just take a bouquet of red roses,please.",he mumbles distractedly as he wrings the fist of hair he latched onto. _"This was a bad idea,why did I_  
 _ever listen to Liam,I should just take the next train back to London,I am such a fucking idiot,I—"_

"Sir? Your roses?",the bubbly florist said,breaking his train of thought for the second time today.

"Thanks.",he mutters as he places the money on the counter and walks out of the door.

His feet move but he doesn't think about where he's going because all he's thinking about is _LouisLouisLouis_ and the weight in his heart seems to have  
moved into his stomach. Or maybe it's butterflies. Or just nerves. Harry doesn't remember the last time he's felt this way,but it's not helping.

  
\--

Louis feels miserable.

He knows he deserves it,but still. It doesn't make the pain lessen.

"Louis,darling. You need to get out and walk around a little. Ever since you came back,all you've been doing is playing soccer and moping around  
in your room. You can't keep this up forever,sweetie. I think a day out will clear your mind a little more.",his mother said as she stroked his  
hair as his face was deeply submerged in the soft foam of his pillow. It wasn't Harry's chest,but he'll just have to get used to it.

_It's all his fault anyway._

He sighs as soon as his mom leaves the room and runs a hand through his hair.

"I've always loved your hair.",Harry would say as he would look down on Louis as his soft lips would place a kiss on top of his forehead and all that would  
matter in that moment was LouisandHarry and that everything was okay.

 _"Don't."_ ,he whispers to no one in particular,as he closes his eyes shut and squeezes it in a vain attempt to forget the pain,even just for a second.

It never works.

So after a pity party in the shower,he decides to take in his mom's words and go out.

His feet just drag him and he doesn't mind,anyway.

After a while,he begins to get tired so he settles for a seat at the local park,in a bench underneath an oak tree.

He begins to relax but then his entire body turns frigid as he remembered that this was LouisandHarry's bench,and they shared plenty of things here,  
like cotton candy and sweet kisses. Everything just seems to be a constant reminder of Harry,and he's not sure how much more he can take before  
he finally breaks.

     
                                                       ˖*˖  
  
  
 _"Louis,no!",Harry giggled as Louis discreetly slipped an arm around his waist._

_"Don't you want everyone to know that you're mine,Haz?",he pouted before batting his eyelashes at the adorable boy beside him._

_"I know what you're trying to do,so cut it out!",he wheezed out in restrained laughter while Louis slowly tickled his left side with his hand._

_Some eyes glanced at them,but it was never in anger or disgust._ Most people didn't mind at all,and Louis wished that it was always like this.

_"My my,Harry. I simply don't know what you're talking about!",he gasped before grinning brightly and full-on attacking Harry with tickles and kisses._

_"I love you.",he said as he placed a kiss onto Harry's nose._

_"I love you." Onto his forehead._

_"I love you." Eyelids._

_"I love you." Temple._

_"I love you." Cheeks._

_"I love you,and my heart is entirely yours for the taking.",he murmured before placing the final kiss onto Harry's lips and as he opened his eyes,he_   
_was met with glistening eyes that shone more than any of the stars that could've been in the sky that night,or any other night,for that matter._

_"You sap,I love you.",Harry laughed out hoarsely before kissing him and hoping Louis could feel his love through that kiss._ He did.  
  
  
                                                                                                                    ˖*˖

  
"Is this seat taken?",a voice asked him and he snapped out of his reverie and glanced at the man standing beside him with a patient smile.

"No,not at all.",he murmured and the man nodded in thanks and sat down.

"Heartbroken?",the man suddenly asks and Louis turns to look at him.  
  
"Yeah."

"Doesn't it get any easier?",the man asks without malice or prejudice,but pure curiosity and it takes Louis aback.

"W-well,sometimes it does but then only for a while. Why? Haven't you been in love before?"

"Is the pain worth it?" And Louis had to stop and think about the question. _Is the ache that's residing in his heart right now worth everything he had with_  
 _Harry?_ And suddenly,he knew the answer.

"No." The man's face fell slightly, "sometimes,the pain isn't even enough." 

 

* * *

 

  
_"now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?_   
_do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?"_

 

Harry found himself in the local park,and his heart clenched slightly at the memories he shared with Louis in the place,but it brought a small smile  
to his face as he realized that there could still be memories waiting to be made.

He was weary but he felt something that he hasn't felt in a long time and it filled him completely : _hope._

As he walked even more,he realized that he was too tired and that he had to sit for a while.

 _"Maybe I'll just rest on the old bench where me and Louis used to sit."_ ,he thinks and suddenly the thing in his stomach isn't nerves anymore.

During his walk onto the bench,he sees two men laughing on it so he decides to turn around and sit somewhere else when he heard it.

**Louis' laughter.**

_How could he ever forget that sound?_

He turns around to see that the other person in the bench was Louis and all that Harry could think about was how happy and carefree he looked,laughing  
with someone else that isn't him. He feels a sharp jab hit his heart as he remembers how he made Louis laugh like that. Apparently,someone's  
already doing that and he isn't needed anymore.

And he realizes that being led on by someone else isn't as painful as leading yourself on but getting absolutely crushed in the end.

Before he turns around to leave,Louis' eyes meets his and his grin drops. Harry realizes that he doesn't want that to happen ever again,especially if  
he's the reason why.

_**"Harry!"** _

He walks and walks and as he feels footsteps approaching,he runs for it and he doesn't stop running until he reaches the train station.

"One ticket to London,please.",he croaks out and if the ticket seller is curious to why his cheeks are tear-stained and how he seems out of breath,she  
doesn't say anything and just hands over the ticket.

As Harry hands over the money,she tells him, "Better hurry,the train leaves in 2 minutes."

He nods thankfully because he thinks that he's not strong enough to plaster a smile,and walks into the train,sniffling and wiping his tears with the  
back of his hand.  
  
 _"You're pathetic,and he's happy and he doesn't need you anymore. He's happy without you,and you're just a miserable idiot."_ ,his subconscience tells him  
over and over and over and he breaks down and his cries comes out in the form of heaving and hitched sobs and he doesn't care if anyone looks  
at him because he's pathetic,so what's the chance of him hitting rockbottom now?

Soon enough,the train starts moving and with every inch of the train leaving Doncaster,his heart dies a little and he cries until he falls asleep with the bouquet of roses in his hands.

  
\--

  
"Harry! Harry! Oh,Harry!",he yells out to everyone who can hear him and he runs to the train station hoping that he isn't too late.

"Excuse me,have you seen a tall and curly-haired man with green eyes?",he frantically asks the ticket seller and she looks as him from head to toe before  
saying,

"Sorry,he boarded the train to London. Left a couple of minutes ago,actually." His legs fail him and he drops to his knees as he holds his legs close  
to his chest and tries to forget the look of utter heartbreak that he saw on Harry's face.

 _"I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I love you,please come back."_ ,is all that courses through his mind.  
  
  
Harry never comes back to Doncaster after that.

 

* * *

 

  
_"when you're dreaming with a broken heart,_   
_the waking up is the hardest part,"_

  
February 22,2017  
3:08 AM

  
Harry doesn't have it in him to sleep. So he just thinks of Louis until his eyes become heavy and rests.  
  
                                                                                  ˖*˖  
   
Louis can't sleep. He curls himself into a ball and thinks of Harry and red roses until the sun comes up.  
  
  
  



End file.
